Wow. It’s 2019. I can’t believe it.
At times it felt like 2018 went at a snail’s pace, but as I look back I’ve come to realize it went as quick as a blink of an eye. 2018 was such an amazing albeit crazy year. I celebrated my one year wedding anniversary, then quickly after found out I was pregnant, became a finalist for the New Visions Award, had a baby, and then adjusted to motherhood. I’m not sure if 2019 will top that, but I am hoping it will.
As we enter the new year, I’ve thought a lot about what I wanted to focus on this year and how to accomplish it while balancing motherhood. Before having a child, I thought I didn’t have enough hours in a day to do the things I wanted. Now that I have a baby, I realized that I had all the time in the world. Why did I squander it? Finding time in the day when another human being relies on you for everything and you are at the whim of their sleeping and feeding schedule makes you see the value of time and also the little things you took for granted. Like taking a leisure shower, making yourself a nice meal, having an organized and clean house, enjoying a glass of wine, or going to the movies. It’s a whole new life when you become a parent, and you become essentially a whole new person.
But even though life changes completely, the essence of who you are does not.
For me, it always goes back to writing. That deep and almost painful yearning to wrestle a manuscript into a gratifying story. The process, however, is far from gratifying. It’s hard. Some days I feel like I’ll never make it. Some days I feel like I suck. Some days I feel like the words are always out of reach and that I have no talent or skill. But the more I stay away from writing, the more guilty I feel for neglecting it because it feels as if I’m starving my soul. The small fleeting moments of clarity and rush of adrenaline when the story’s heart beats against my own though, always gets me to come back.
And in 2019, I still keep coming back.
This year, I’m going to finish my current revision and finally put the story I’ve been working on and off for years to rest.
This year, I’m going to finish that half written draft I had put aside in 2018.
This year, I’m going to write, revise, and hope for the best that maybe this will be the year that I get closer to the dream.