Paralyzed by fear.

It's been almost 4 months since I posted on my blog. It's also been four months since I took a lot of old posts down. At times, it feels like 2016 didn't even happen on my blog. I can give you many reasons on why I've disappeared: stress from planning a wedding, learning a new job, the holidays, writing something new, etc. And though those are legitimate reasons for taking a hiatus from my blog, it's not entirely true.

The truth is, I've been afraid. My life kept getting busier and busier, and I was afraid that I'd never be able to write anything of quality again. They say that comparison is the thief of happiness, and I found myself doing that a lot. While everyone seemed to be headed somewhere, I felt like I was in the same place, but with a different scenery.

When I confided in others about this fear, they all told me to slow down, take a deep breath, and then they would offer me the same excuses I gave myself. "Relax, you have a wedding to plan. That's a lot of pressure. You just started a new job, it takes a while to learn it and feel comfortable. You've written three drafts in this year alone. You've accomplished a lot."

But I didn't feel like I had. Though I was getting things scratched off my checklist, I found myself getting farther from my own personal goals and from myself. It's as if I went on auto-pilot to get things done, instead of paying attention to the things that mattered.

All of a sudden, I stopped blogging, stopped journaling, took a break from writing--things that I loved. Why was I doing that? This was the time where I needed it the most.

Because I was afraid.

I was afraid of blogging about all of this, because I didn't feel like it was important. To me or to readers. And also, I was afraid of what people would think of me.

I was afraid of journaling, because I didn't want to waste time when I could be getting things done on my checklist. Even though I know now, that journaling is never a waste of time.

I was afraid of writing, because I'd lost my voice. I didn't know what I wanted to say in my stories, and because of that, my stories suffered for it as I wrote myself into frustrating circles.

I was paralyzed by my own fear. 

Instead of facing this problem, I dusted it under the rug and let everything else, the wedding, work, etc, become my priority. But I was never happy doing only that because I felt stuck. At a standstill. Trapped.

Once the wedding was over, once I got over the learning curve of the new job and things started to slow down, I was faced with all these fears I had ignored.

A good CP of mine told me that sometimes fear can be a good thing. It let's us know that we're doing something worthwhile because we care. Instead of letting fear be a road block to where we want to go, we should climb over fear, and let it elevate our potential and our stories.

Once I embraced fear for what it was, I was able to look past it and see a solution. It took me a long while, but it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I'd finally found the power-off button on the auto-pilot suit I was wearing and was able to step back into me.

So, the point of this post? Don't be afraid of your own fear. This doesn't apply to just writing, but life in general. Face your fears, and then do something about it. It's better than doing nothing at all.